Family Solution - Divulging Abuse From Inside

One of the most challenging bits of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that another has been, abused by a close relative you've known all your life, a member of your family, is devastating. I know because I've been on either side of that coin, both declaring it to my own relatives and recieving the news. For the PTSD sufferer it is one of the most courageous but most challenging steps towards recovery. By putting your spirit and your experiences out in the open for those you love most to question and understand, unveiling the secret and breaking the quiet, you are treating. The decision to tell family members which you have PTSD - and perhaps more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize around.

What if they don’t believe me? I am going to create a rift in the family. I am upsetting the apple cart. It’s in yesteryear so there’s no point causing all this heartbreak -- these are just the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer will probably go through when debating whether to tell not or ’. It's hard when the perpetrator is not a member of the family, a buddy, perhaps, in the instance of of sexual abuse. However, if disclosure of abuse the victim and the abuser share the same family, it becomes a great deal messier. Once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, and everyone understands what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, there’s no going back.

So, imagine if you’re the family member who’s merely been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, only to have the get-together blasted into smithereens by son, granddaughter, your daughter, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I debate), and now they’re quietly sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously awaiting your answer.

First, engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t understand what to believe, and the picture of both the individual before you and the person who mistreated them has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t believe you will ostricize the sufferer, potentially activate an emotional flashback, cause them to question themselves and their recollections and make you the target of frustration, fury and hurt. Perhaps you can’t reconcile the picture of the accused with the accusation, but that doesn't mean it didn’t occur. So, think before you speak and do n’t undermine the guts it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Second, please, don't go and start a fight with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it outside will lead to everything being denied by the abuser, retaliating, perhaps attacking the initial casualty or yourself. The victim has lost it, if there is evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow.

Third, remember that ‘outing’ an abuser is extremely brave choice for the sufferer, and they'll be exhausted. A match of 20 questions isn't proper right now! To have been trusted enough to hear that they have suffered from abuse and developed PTSD because of it puts you in a privileged position. Recall that, and make an effort to refrain from asking about all the details of the maltreatment, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us earlier?” Some of the responses won’t be clear to the sufferer (hint: especially the last one), and some of them hurt too much to discuss. The time will come where you learn the facts of the injury and the impact on the sufferer’s life since. Is n’t it.

Enough of the do not’s. What should you do? Listening is significant; taking time to hear the sufferer is the greatest gift you can give them and being there. Possibly the relief of having someone in the family know will bring about an outpouring of despair and emotion. Be there for them, and allow them to know that you are available to discuss with, if and when they want. Offer support and give them the safe space they'ven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the person with PTSD might totally freak out and not want to say another word. Listening is still important, even in the quiet. Make the person you love feel safe and supported and free to speak, or not discuss, not, or request help.

Do things that are ordinary with this individual. Having PTSD doesn't define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them out, encourage them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and appreciate them for who they are. As with bunches of mental illnesses, sometimes socializing seems challenging, but even if you get dismissed or rejected, continue while also letting them know it is alright for them not to join encouraging them. Empathy and patience is the name of the game.

Also, look after yourself. Chances are the news has come as a shock, and you're now struggling with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, particularly if you understood them well and are close to them. It's clear to be confused and upset, so take a bit of time to process the information. Often it is helpful to talk to someone you know, for example counsellor or a friend, about your feelings. Getting an outside view from someone who doesn’t know the PTSD sufferer or the abuser can be useful. It's not difficult to feel like anything you do or say will be wrong, but seriously, you understand the folks involved and how exactly to speak to them. Trust that knowledge and instinct.

I can only talk from personal experience, but hopefully there’s a nugget or two of advice in this piece to assist you to learn about the abuse that can happen within.